11/20/10 I went out to a show tonight wwith some friends. It reminded me that I am still a newborn baby. THe music was too loud, I was dizzy and loopy and aware of my sypmtoms, feeling seperate from others, no seprate from LIFE. I feel seprate from life. I see others dancing and laughing and I it looks so familitar and so foreighn to me. I cant dance, I cant stand or move my head without feeling dizzy. I feel like I have died. I have died and now I get to watch everyone live. Like an outsider, an observer.
I was pretty jprou d of myself for keeping up with the conversation and finding somethingk to contribute. But I also wasnt sure how I was coming off. I am so scrambled inside and no one realy knows. They thinkg I am like them, with the same abilityes and awareness. I am not. I am scrambeled and trying to maintain concentration and awareness. I have lost my self awareness. I have offended 3 people this week. I’m not fsure if its waht I said or maybe jsut how I siad it. But I am jsut expressing myself and wondering if I am putting my foot in my nouth. I really dont know. I used to be so sentsitive to saying the right nthigns. Now I dont know how I come across to others. Like being drunk, unaware, oblivious, no ablitiy to be sentsitive.
I was pretty jprou d of myself for keeping up with the conversation and finding somethingk to contribute. But I also wasnt sure how I was coming off. I am so scrambled inside and no one realy knows. They thinkg I am like them, with the same abilityes and awareness. I am not. I am scrambeled and trying to maintain concentration and awareness. I have lost my self awareness. I have offended 3 people this week. I’m not fsure if its waht I said or maybe jsut how I siad it. But I am jsut expressing myself and wondering if I am putting my foot in my nouth. I really dont know. I used to be so sentsitive to saying the right nthigns. Now I dont know how I come across to others. Like being drunk, unaware, oblivious, no ablitiy to be sentsitive.
I wonder if I should just hide. Be quiet. Dissapear for a year. But I dont want to hide. I want to feel connected with pepoel. I watn to find dignity in my disablity. To be a part of life. Will I reagreat this? Will I shoot myself in the foot? Ruin my rellationships? Turn off everyone? I dont know who I am anymore. I dont knwo myself.
Will this go on froever? Will I get my life bakc? Will anone ever find me lovable or attaactive now? How do I forgive myselff? Am I depressed? What is the differnece betweeen depression and grief.? What I label the emotion makes a big difference. We are what we say we are. Depression feels stuck, permatnent and unhealthy. Grief feels temporary, movinbg through, and healthy. I will say "I am grieving", not "I am depressed". I am griefing the losses. Many, many losses. It feels right to be grieving. I died.
I have that same disconnected feeling most of the time. I hate it!! I feel like its a cruel joke, "Is this real life?" Somebody let me out of here. I recently started having moments of clarity...its beautiful, but also sickening because it doesn't last long. I hope it will continue to improve in time. All of what you described is familiar to me. I have asked my husband several times when were out, "Is that person speaking English...I can't understand a word he/she said." We don't go out much. ;)
ReplyDeleteHello, Thank you for your comment! I am writing this blog because I know I am not alone, and that perhaps there is some comfort to all of us to know that we aren't alone, and that perhaps we can help support each other. Yes, there is this feeling of swimming through pea soup, looking for the shore, but everything is too murky. How beautiful to have a moment of clarity. That would be so exciting! May your moments get a little longer each time! Someone else I know calls it "speaking Swahili" when they can't understand. It is a bit like living in a foreign country. Don't you think?
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