Jump in Time

I was originally going to post my story from the beginning to now on this blog.   I wanted to share all those impossible difficult moments of embracing a brain injury, but didnt have the typing skills or ability to figure out a blog at the time.

Now that is all in the past, and I have lost interest in talking about the past. Right now is so rich! So excuse me now, while I jump from then to present time. I may occasionally put in things about the beginning of this journey, but it seems less satisfying than starting from where I am. So here goes, present tense, life with a TBI. This is where I come out of the darkness and into the light!

From Social Butterfly to Social Catepillar

11/20/10 I went out to a show tonight wwith some friends. It reminded me that I am still a newborn baby. THe music was too loud, I was dizzy and loopy and aware of my sypmtoms, feeling seperate from others, no seprate from LIFE. I feel seprate from life. I see others dancing and laughing and I it looks so familitar and so foreighn to me. I cant dance, I cant stand or move my head without feeling dizzy. I feel like I have died. I have died and now I get to watch everyone live. Like an outsider, an observer.
I was pretty jprou d of myself for keeping up with the conversation and finding somethingk to contribute. But I also wasnt sure how I was coming off. I am so scrambled inside and no one realy knows. They thinkg I am like them, with the same abilityes and awareness. I am not. I am scrambeled and trying to maintain concentration and awareness. I have lost my self awareness. I have offended 3 people this week. I’m not fsure if its waht I said or maybe jsut how I siad it. But I am jsut expressing myself and wondering if I am putting my foot in my nouth. I really dont know. I used to be so sentsitive to saying the right nthigns. Now I dont know how I come across to others. Like being drunk, unaware, oblivious, no ablitiy to be sentsitive. 

I wonder if I should just hide. Be quiet. Dissapear for a year. But I dont want to hide. I want to feel connected with pepoel. I watn to find dignity in my disablity. To be a part of life. Will I reagreat this? Will I shoot myself in the foot? Ruin my rellationships? Turn off everyone? I dont know who I am anymore. I dont knwo myself.

Will this go on froever? Will I get my life bakc? Will anone ever find me lovable or attaactive now? How do I forgive myselff? Am I depressed? What is the differnece betweeen depression and grief.? What I label the emotion makes a big difference. We are what we say we are. Depression feels stuck, permatnent and unhealthy. Grief feels temporary, movinbg through, and healthy. I will say "I am grieving", not "I am depressed". I am griefing the losses. Many, many losses. It feels right to be grieving. I died.