Isolated in a Crowd: Month 5

11/15/10

I feel so alone. Even when I am surrounded by so many loving people, and have so much support, I feel alone. No one understatnds. No one can. I marvel at people wlalking down the street without any anpprecieation for that freedom. I marvel at how thaey are engaged and doing things and active and interacting with each other. My friends are out and about doing intereesting things, developing themselves and making their mark on the world. I sit day after day in the quiet stillness of the house. Like a tree with so many cars zooming past, not noticing. I feel so isolated sometimes.


Peopla around me are haaving conversatons and I can't follow them. I nod politely to hide my embarrassment. I have not understood a word they said, hoping I can escape before they figure this out. My mind cant foucus on it or process it fast enough. I am the most lonely when I am with people. Ironic. It is a constant reminder of the gap between us. And worse yet, the gap between who I was and who I am now.

theere is so much loss. Pushing myself to be someplace i am not leads to frustraution with myself. I cant push this processs. It requires endless amounts of patience. It will come back in due time. In the meantime I feel selpf-centered. How do I love that too??? I’ve got to trust that I am haing to learn this for a reason. I need to learn to put me first. Patience, patience, patience. 


I still need to theal. I still need to nurture myself,love myself, fgive myself sweet soft tnederness. I stroke my arms, hug myself, touch my cheek. It feels so new. What is this thing called body? Like a newborn experiencing it for the first time, I can't undrestand that it is mine. It feels so foreign and divne it makes me cry. 


Wnet to the neightbors house for dinner last lnight.  So sweet of them to have me over.  Yet I feel like the patheritc cripple when I get symapathy. I hate sympather.y.  I feel like I have notheing to contribute. I cant shop or cook or help clean.  I try to be interesteing druing the conversation, bit mostly  my head is spinning and it takes so much concentration. I slip in oand out of beign able to pay attetnion and am so relieved when they converse withour me, so I can just BE.  I seem to be able to coneverse about here and now,tangible stuff. As soon as it gets abstrarct, or academilc I cant follwo. I feel Like a little child. it’s so taxing and I just want to go lie down, remove myself, and sleep endlessly.

Birthing a New Me

10/26/10 
Barometer at 1013, I have a headache.. Nauseaus.  Loopey, out of it. Felt so good yesterday. I thought I was realy better and would neever go back to this plqd3 of complete dystfunctionl. Funny how many times I have fallen for thsat. TTHingking I am all better now. and then the relapcse takes me by sutrprise. It’s a 12 beer jequivilant day.

10/28/10 
I slept last night. God, what a treat! I dreamt that I was pregnant. i had been coping so well aone. but the baby was now growing, I couldfeel limbs under my ribcatege. The time for giving brith was near. I was gatherging my woment friends together to get ready to give birth. In charge, competent and amazed at the fact that I had to do this by myself in my weakend condition and not only that I had to but that I COULD.   
Surounded my loving friends, I am giving birth to a new me. Only I can do it. It is time. 

Conversaton with my Highter Self in my dream:
HS: "You know you still have the ability to manifest and create your life the way you want it you have not losst that ability even though it appears that you have lost most of your abilityes. "
Me: "How do I do that whaen I cant focus my thoughts?"
HS: "Thoughts dont create your life, feelings do. "

Me: Yeah but it takes a breain to focus on shifting to  better feelings. How do I do that when my attetniton span is all of 10 seconds and my focus is so diffuse?
HS: You are going to figure that out.
Me: What do I want to create right now? Start with where I am. Its not about relaitonships or career or some lofty future goal. It’a about be where you are. The only thing that is importatn and that I want right now is to heal my brain.
HS: OK, so feel healed. Start with “i am well”. ‘I am grounded” Iam prefectly baleanced.” Dont just thinkg those thoughts. THat just leads to frutstration when you then stand up and topple over. FEEL THEM!!!! and you’ll call them into reality faster.

Help... I Hope

Friday 10/22/10
I went to my first TBI survirs srupport group today. I expected to find peolpe in wheelcharis, drrooling, and ubable to speak. I expected to be onr of the more functional people there see people worse off thatn me. I went up to the group and at first, didtn thatingk that I had the right group. THey looked like a nice, happy bunch of college kids hanging out. I was surprised by al the big smiles. i asked if I had fgound the right group and they said yes. I waid “but you look so normal and functional!”. They smiled and replied “so do you!” Oh m y God. I never realized how normal I look on the outside. THat is the problem. I have an invisible injury. No one can tell how absolutely scrambled I am on the inside. Azaming! I didmt know.

THe support group was SO heloful. They had figured out all the resources, medical docs, OTs, therapists. I feel like i fimaly found some help. THe doctores i've seem have been useless. I fele like I am finallly gettimg somewhere.

They all had much more sever stories than me. CAr and bike accidents that had them have to lives without parts of their skull intact, finaly to be reaplaced with plastic foreheads or titanic plates. They were so happy and smiliey, it gave me hope. It alos made me feel like a pathertic whiner. Here I am in the midst of so much loss and grief and they are yougn. They have lost their youth, hteir entire lives. At least I had 46 years of normalcy. I ddidnt feel so functional and lucky all those years, but wow, what I didint know or apprecite then.

Drunk and Disorderly

10/19/10
I haven finally figured out the way to express how I am doing. I never know how to answer that. If I asay fine, the other peoson assumes I am fine the way they are fine, breathes a sigh of reeif and starts talking  a mile a minute, which I catn follow. If I say “not fine”, I get all this sypmathy that makes me feels unempowered and like a freak. So I now have B.E.: beer equivilants. I used to be on 3 6-packs at eh begining of this adventure, now I am on 3-4 beers. Much better! I say that and people get it. New communicaiton tool. I only wish I liked drinkkng. Never did. NOw I REALLY domt.

10/24?/10/
Once of the things that is so challenging aabout this is that all of the lthings that I used to do that made me happy are things that I can dno longer do. I dcant meditate, read inspirational anything and I cant dance and I cant exerciwee. I couldnt fiugtre out how to get any exercise this summer. Whe you are so diazzy and biking, walking, dancing, yoga, are out. The gym is out for overwelcming movement and dizzyiness.  I went for 2 weeks when I couldnt stop crying this Auguest. Just couldnt stop and couldnt shake myselrf out of it. So much loss and grielf and couldnt pull on the susual things that get me better. 

So i got myself to Luatghtert Yoga. I figured it wasnt really exercise or balbance and ywould get me laughing and that would be good. I drove there so dixzzy and wozzy. It was rainginyg and the streets swere slippery. It was scary getting there but I did it. I dgot to this class, all these people in a cirlce being silly. I just cried. I tried to laguh. I did laugh and then I would cry some more. They wore mvoinbg around the room in circles and it made my so dizzy I just sat on the floor woundering what pepople must have thgought of me. MY so pathertic sittig on the fllor crying while everythingone ksiped aroungd and laughteed. I was gald I went.  But man was I wout of it. We macde faces at teach other and laughted at our rprobems. We were to put our problems in the center of the circle and laugh. It didnt feel funny at the moment. My brina doesnt work and I canta function and I cant do anything, not even laughter Yoga. I cried and cried til I laughed. i wonder what all theseo people thought.

11/8/10

I got a letter from my nac bank. It looked like this. I couldnt understand it. it awas long, too much thinkgint and reading and I had to have Sue read it to me. I still coulndt undestantd it. What to do?

I just want to ge to sleep, and put my head on a pillow without feeling like Im on a roller coaster ride! I just want to be able to walk down the street!

Coping with the World..or not

“Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Plato

10/6/10
Stores are hell. The lights hurt my eayres. THE pepople moving make me dizzy. I buy on impulsse more than I used to, woneder if I am wasting money and migt regreat it but I have no seense of the future like I used to. so if i want it, I buy it. I wonder about that It’s so different from how I used to be so in control all the wtime. THe old me would frown on the new me.  BI g time.  
I cant fiugre out how to use the credit card swiper. Cant realy read or undertsatn what it waynt;s. I know eveyone  in line ins waiting me for. ANd i just stare balankly at it. THe msore I gete stressed the more I cant understand anythimg, until the impatiemt casheir swipes ist for me. THese things used to be easy.

10/8/10

Asking for help from complete strangers. Will I ever get used to it? It feels so humiliating...every time. I missed my son's homeecoming events today. I really wanted to share that with him. I didnt think I could walk acrooss the feild to the school bonfire, nor navigate a group of people around a fire without getting dizzy and risk falling in the flames.  I tried to pick him up at least so I could see waht they were doing. It was really dark. It was raining. I got nersous. Didnt think I could make it. So I stopped the car and called a family I didnt know and asked if anyone could dirive him home.
I’m missing my child’s life. I want to be part of it. Letting go is so hard. I know there arent many more years if any, when I am welcome. He is becoming a teen with a growing need for autonomy. What does he think of his disabled mother? I hope I dont embarass him, stumbling through the lunch room staggering and asking everyone else to drive him everywehre.

10/13/10
It’s hard to sleep agian. I havent slept in 3 days. At night, I am up with a buzzing energy in my head. It feels like eletricity zinging around all over my head. I can feel a pulse sometimes, sometimes it bounces back and forth like a tennis match, usually it zings all over the place like a fast ricocheting electrical charge. What is taht:?  As if that’s not enough, my whole body vibrates. It feels like I’m on a vibrating bed. A very subtle shaking and quaking is always there. I dont notice it much until I try to sleep.All this om top of feeling like I am in a feree fall. I am up all night just trying to ocope wiht the semssations in my body.

10/15/10
Rough day today. never got out of my pajamas. I think I am sensitive to barometric pressure changes. The reading was 991 when I started feeling better, I’m going to start paying attention to that. Big storm came through, high winds and pouring rain. This morning before the rain I started feeling really bad. During the rain was the worst. I thought I was going to die. Listening to the downpour outside refelec the crazy seasick storm inside my head. 
The pressure in my head was mounting. I had a headache, nauseua, total brain shrut down. Could barely move. I just lay in bed with the worst vertigo. Like riding a wild roller coater ride and jsut holding on for dear life. Trying to stay peaceful and just go with it. It was so scary. Like how I felt in the first 6 weeks. I knew I had commitmetns for the day and just couldnt get to a phone let alone dial it or talk. I am having to let go of my responsible nature. I have no response-ability. My lips were parched and I was out of it when Heidi found me at 1:00. I was happy she didnt find me in a pool of vomit. So grateful for my wonderful nurturing friends, skiled  Heidi was amazing. She took my temp, rubbed my feet with oil, brought me water, called the docs and made me broth, and did the dishes. What an angel. 

I have PTSD. I am so jumpy and jittery. Today each time the wind shook the windoews I jusmped, thinking they wound crash. The trees were blowing so much they looked like they would fall on the house. I watched and started to hyperventilate and panic. Stopped watching quick! I try to calm myself with words and they barely make a dent. I have discovered I can do deep breathing lifitng arms overhead and looking up  on the inhale and back down on the exhagle giving myself a big gentle hug. That feels great, calming. I havent been able to do deep breathing before. Its hard to focus on it for more than 2-3 breath. My attention span in my inner world is about 30 seconds. I keep try8ing to finish a thought through. They just zing from one to the next.

Endless Loss: Month Three

10/2/10

Where is that woman I used to know?
I dont recognize  anything. I don’t recognize my life. I dont recognize my Self.
I used to have a brain that worked. A beautiful healthy brain.
I used to be ready to take on the world.
I used to be standing on the edge of a cliff, finally ready to share something glorious with the world.
I have died and I am grieving my own death.

I used to be able to walk and  to talk without a stutter. To stand up without fear of falling. to take a shower without fear of slipping. and to fall without fear of paralysis. I used to be able to take care of myself. Do my own shopping. cook my own meals. Drive myself wherever I wanted to go.

I used to be able to be in crowded places and stores and streets and restaurants without feeling falling-over drunk and unable to talk. I used to be able to walk without the floor dropping from under me and my legs freezing up. I used to lie down in bed and sleep without feeling like I’m on a crazy roller coaster ride, doing back flips in a spinning space. I used to be able to read emails and books without staring at the same sentence for 20 minutes wondering what it means. I used to be able to type without spell check correcting every other word. I used to be able to focus my mind and  to get things done. I used to be able to remember to eat meals without having to write notes all over the house that say “eat breakfast”. I used to be able to turn on my dishwasher without that requiring more focus than reading War and Peace.

I used to ride my bike, feeling free with the wind in my face, smelling the feilds and open air as I passed. I used to kayak the beautiful waters. I used to LOVE my kayak. I used to feel strong and free and independent when I put it on my car by myself and drove off to remote wilderness to kayak with loons. I used to walk around my block without even thinking about leaning on anything or anyone. I used to love to cook. I used to spin around the kitchen whipping ingredients into gastronomic orgasmic bliss. I used to have fun. I used to love to DANCE. I used to dance like a laughing, free and wild woman. Without being dizzy. without falling down. I used to do yoga. Balance. I could be a tree,  a warrior, and a dancer.

I used to hold babies and little children and trust that I was strong enough not to drop them and not worry about falling on top of them when they run around my feet. 
I used to be able to take care of my ownchildren. I used to feed them and drive them and kiss them goodnight. They used to fall asleep before me.

I used to have a career and professional colleagues. I used to help people make their lives better. It used to feel good. I used to feel smart. I used to make money. I used to have a schedule. A full schedule. I used to have Things to Do. I used to have great ideas, and share them with others, and co-create pieces of heaven on earth.

I used to have a lover who loved me, adored me, and made me laugh all the time. I used to feel secure in his "eternal" undying love and devotion. I used to think as long as we were together, nothing else mattered, everything would be ok. I used to feel so safe and at home in his arms. I used to know I wouldn't be alone when I ’m old and in need. I used to feel like the luckiest woman alive. I used to want to take that luck and give it to whoever needed it. I used to glow and know my future was bright.

I used to have all of this and more. 

Good bye to all of it. Good bye. Releasing attachments in deeper ways than I ever thought possible. No attachments to anything. There is nothing now. Nothingness. Just me. and my friends who take care of me. Here in my bubble. in my little cocoon. Where only goodness can enter.

I used to think I’d be better tomorrow. That I could pray and visualize and heal instantly. I used to know I’d be ok. I used to know that I’d get my old self back and that maybe she’d be even better than before. I used to believe that I could return to normal ....which means return to the past. I don't know that anymore. We never return to the past. I do not know what my future holds. We never do. Only I’ve lost the comforting illusion that it looks familiar, that it looks like the past. I do not know if I will function again. I used to keep focusing on gratitude, and on healing and on patience. Screw it. The fact is with three months of effort,  I am not much better. The fact is, there is so much loss. So many tears. I am crying a river over and over. There is release, surrender, and loss. Free falling off a cliff, trusting that my loved ones have a net ......or that I have wings.

Zen Reflections Week Three

7/22/10

My heart is overflowing with gratitude and awe of the abundance of love and generosity that my friends have shown me these last three weeks since the sailing accident. They set up a site on Lotsa Helping Hands and I have so much help now. My door stays open and several people a day stop by with food and love. I believe in the healing power of love and prayer and it is no doubt thanks to such support that I am so much better. I am healing way ahead of what was predicted. My speaking ability is back, as is my ability to focus my eyes and read for short times. I am up now after 3 very quiet weeks lying in a dark room in more stillness than I have ever known. I am still very dizzy and my legs feel like jello. Walking is still very awkward, slow, and limited, but I am happy to say everything is getting better every day. Right now I am grateful for spell check which is making me look downright normal.

I now know I must have gotten knocked upside the head pretty good. Good enough to knock out my tooth and to knock out my memory of getting hit. I suspect the boom hit me as I somersaulted into and out of a boat doing a complete 360, from turtled to turtled, in seconds. I guess it’s generally not a good idea to alligator wrestle chunks of fiberglass and metal many times your size. The Coast Guard rescued so many people that night they dropped them on the jetties.


I’m the only one who got hurt. What is the lesson here? Was this because I was the only one with such an emotional agenda about learning to sail? I was married to a sailor for 15 years who refused to teach me anything about sailing. He said it was too complicated and it used to make me feel powerless and mad. I signed up to learn to sail this summer so I could undo that limiting belief  and “take the tiller of my own life”. It was more than symbolic that I wanted to learn to skipper. And my first lesson ended up almost killing me??? Perhaps this storm created above my head was a surreal gift just for me, or perhaps it was nothing personal. Remember how you make God laugh? Tell him your plans! “Take the tiller, my ass,” laughs the Universe.

I’ve learned to embrace the experience. Just to say yes to all of lives out of control crazy moments. The irony is that I have never felt more surrendered to having no control of anything. Natural childbirth was a similarly deep lesson in humility before God and in surrendering all control. There is profound peace in the surrender. I feel lucky to be alive.

There has been a deep beauty in completely unplugging from the world. There has been a stillness that I have never known. I was told to not engage my mind and to keep conversations to a first grade level. The less I used my mind, the faster I got better. At first I thought no problem. I’ve been meditating for 30 years this should be easy. What a surprise to discover that meditation was too stressful! My mantra would hurt my head. All that concentration would make my brain shut down and freeze the same way everything else did.  Even meditation is doing!! Who knew!!! This meant NO doing, no thinking, just being. Just sit an watch the grass grow. and giggle. No where to go. No where to get to. Just the eternal NOW. A forced spiritual RETREAT. Think about that word. There is a TREAT in RETREAT. Retreating deeply within. Into the dark and into the light that lie at the center of our being. You know it’s really ok in there. It’s a good place to make friends with.

I find I am so much closer to the animal kingdom than ever. Feeling on par with the four leggeds. No thinking, no agenda, no to do list to get to, just being. It’s sweet and I have this magnetic pull towards critters of all kinds that I have never had before in my busy world. Somehow they seem to be pulled towards me too. I now have a fox with two kits who hang out on my deck at night. I woodchuck living under my porch, and the cutest little handful of a baby bunny living twelve feet from my front door. We’ve named her Lily and she comes out and joins us for dinner every night. We eat dinner, she eats the grass next to us.

I keep looking at how well my stitches and bruises have healed, proof of the amazing healing power of the human body. It affirms for me that with all the visualizing I’ve done this last few weeks, I have grown miles of new neural connections, and my new brain will be even better than before. I’ve been picturing beautiful rainbow colored, light filled connections in my brain firing constantly as they break into musical notes, creating a  gorgeous symphony of music. No doubt we should all be doing this!

I’ve chosen to believe my brain is being rewired for the new times we live in. Old synapses need to go. The new ones are full of light. No doubt a brand new me will emerge. Right now that me feels the oneness of all. I feel layers of ego and identity fall away and a true sense that we are all one. Indeed if love heals, I now carry each of you within me forever more.

Before the accident, I had been reading Bill McKibben’s “Deep Economy” about building a new economy based on the wealth of community. He quotes a study from Europe that says their citizen’s number one value is taking care of each other; money is at the bottom of the list. Vermont can be proud to say the same thing. That is true wealth and security. I have now been humbled and blessed to know this wealth first hand. What a gift it is to know that we are so loved and that people show up in amazing and generous ways in times of crisis. 

I am blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people. This gift goes far beyond the actual acts friends are providing. This has stretched my capacity to receive and know my own worthiness. This has stretched my vision for the Wealth of Community. I have been shown a new model of generosity and connectedness. I am blessed beyond beleif. Investing in relationships is the best investment ever.

First Weeks

7/11/10

How do I bless this experience? how do I Say yes and thank you for this experiendce too.? Embrace it all. All of life’s crazy ups and downs, joys and challenges. Itsa ll holy. its all sacred. Like the qyote on my fridge by Ramana Maharshi  “You thank god for the good things that come to you, but you dont thank him for the thinkgs that seem to be bad; that is where you go wrong.”  Yes, I’ve been hataing this experience and thnkign it is a mistake. my sumner wasnt supprosed to be liker this. yet God doesnt make mistages.

Somethinkg good will come of this> I know it will. Just surrecnder and trust. Surrendaer and trust. Amma’s astologer told me two years ago that this July wuld be oone tof  the best months of my life. how ironice. At first I thought this negateed his prediction. Theat he was wrong tna this month swa way messed up and awful. maybe this is the gift. maybe this will be the best thing that ever happened to me. How do I know? i am deiciding that this will be the besrt month. it  jsut doesnt look liek I exprcted.c  

my damaged braiin forgot. You cant feel love unless you are loving yourself. Not from God, not from no one. I cant feel anythimg. No love im my heart. It is werid. SEmding self love and compassion first to open the heart. When life dissapoints us, must love self evne lmore. givng mea big hug. ah...

Getting a wlaker so I can make it to the batheroom without beingi afraind of falling. If I fall and hit my head it will be serius. It will be ncie to fiill stable. Me?> a wakjjer?? siinomtime I fill so patheritic. Decided to half soee=m humor and call myselr the village idiot.  

I feel so patheritc when I stutter and my brain shuts off mid conversation and I cnat speak. Just like a froazen computer screen. Blank. SErarching desaperately for the software to reboot. Like the informtaion I need is in another bosx. I know it it is there but there is no quick wy to access that box because I am in antohe box and they arent easily coonnected like they used to be.

7/12/10
I chose to believe my brain is being rewired. new and improved. askig the part that works to fix the part taht doesnt work. vistualiziing a whole repari team in mechanics suits in there. dear God, please make it evenbetter tahn before. thank you! 
7/14/10
Really bad day tyesterday. Spent to whole day in my dark bedroon with shades drawn. It stillb felt so bright, my eyes were wkillling me and I hav to comver them with my hands all day long. The muscles behind eyeballs feel so strainged. Maybe I overdid it the night before. I tried to read email and spent 30 mins on computer. Too much.

It is so beautiufl ourt. I wanted to be outside. Summer is so short and I am kmissing all of it in my darkened house. I tried to go on my porch and sit. Just sti. I sat down and the whole strated spining so much , I felt like I was going to fall out of the chair onto the deck in the hot sun and not mbe able to get up. I had a completel panci attack. Never felt that before. Just didnt noow how to get back in the house to safelty. Adrenaline kicked in, and I got in the door and just sobbed. Doesnt feel safe to be alosne. or to b=have desitrres. that is the first time I tried to execute a desire. Totoal surrender and non-attachmet to all. there is a beauty in that.

7/15/10
Today someone said “get better quickly” and it felt jweird. Iiit is no longer about gttin anywehre for me. its just about being present with where i am . not getting abnywhere. not striving towards a goal. just being. Acceptimg where I am is perfect. That is the gfitg in alll of this. Day after day, just be. I sit in my chari and 2-3 hours go by and I havent moved a muscle or had many thoughts. Just stillmess and peace and oneseness. The sum goes up amd hte sun goes dowm.

I am amzined at how well my arem has healed. 2 weeks ago a big gash, today just a screatch mark. and my bruises are alsmost gone. the body is amazinge!!! If that has happened wehere I  can see, i know it is happening where I cant see... in my head.  Visisaualizng conections being made in my brain filled with light, directed by God. miles and miles of them already formed. No longer trying to have the workign part of my brain fix the mon- working part, God, you please do it. and make me a new andmimproved model with a higher frequentcy.

Insdie my head I feel fine. I wake up every morning and say, hey I’m doing better. Then I try to engage with the world and notheing works. Cant walk, wacant speak well, cant type, cant process someone talking to me, turn my head and the room is spinneing. Wow, some people pay good money for this kind of trip. Think I;ll judst try to enjoy it.

Vision during REiidki: a sailboat boom hit me on the left side on my head, swung it all around to the right and when it got back to the front the whole world had changed.

Mild Tarumatic Brain Injury

7/9/10
Doc says I have a mild tarumatic brain injury.. Mosre tahn a conscusion. I just love getting a new label dont you? okie dokie, a nice new box to put myself in so eeryone can understnad my crazy behavior and know how long they are going to hae to put up with me for. Helpful perhaps, but onely to the extent that we stay conncected to the human being not just the lable. So this might last a few weeks or afew months or a few years. YWEARS???  I’m going for the first scenario. Sending this brains lotsa live love.

I dimt kthing I hit my head, but DAd finally poimted out "How idd you losre yoour tooth is you dimt hit your head?" good poimt. Man my typing is bad. It’s part of doctor’s orders to not tax my brain,, I usuannly am a good typist. I cannot read as it hurts my eyes and strains my  breain. So no computeres, no email, no news, no conection to the outside world.  A total fast.

Interesting assignmetnt to just be. no doing. no thinking. Keep my mind as empty as possible. First I thought  30 years of TM  and meditation will rcome in handy. I’ll just meditate all daye and be enlightened by the end of this challenge.  Well, it turns out tht takes too much concentration. My mantra hurts my ehad. It is too stressful to meditate. Wow. WHo would n=have gueseed. even mdiatiaon is doing.

I now have an instant barometer of any minute amount of stress in my brain. I styaarts to stutter and eeverything shuts down as a result of stress. liek a frozedn computer. Like the time in the gorcery storer where I couldnt pick up a fruit. So no meditation for. me. Just be. I’ll just BE and giggle, like that crazy elf Eckart Tolle. Like a Power of Now excercise for the next few months. Watch the greass grow. theCalmer and simpler I can keep my mind the more I get better.

7/10/10
I have an odd feeling of not being connected with my body. Likfe my head is floating in a cloud above me. It makes it hard to move this body. I feel so dizzy. This reminds me of a particular weekend when I was 16 and drank tto many beers. I dont trust mty control over my legs and that makes it hard to walk. I walk slow and wobbly like an old lady. Today it flet like the ground gave out 3 feet below my, the floor turned into an undulating wave on my way to bathroon. I tried walking half a block outside. The little hill I live on became 2-D and it’s hard to tell where to put your feet in a 2-D picture. It felt like a weierd drug trip.

As difficult as it is to not fele connected with my body, it is more difficult that I dont feel connected to my heart or to God. Where did it go? Why is that always the first thing to go in a time of crisis? When we need it most? How do we develop that so strongly that it is the first thing we turn to and can draw from? How do I get it back?

I was supposed to go on retreat with Amma next week. Adrian was coming and it means so much to me. Doc says I can't go. I cant even hold a simple converastion or make a sandwich. I cant stand without holding on. How would I Manage the overwelming sensory load? Evn styand in line for meals? There is so much loss.

Something Isn't Right

7/7/10
I;ve been in bed 7 dayes. I am dizzy all the time. like the room is spinning. It’s hard to be upright to walk or prepare food. Half to holdm on. My braiin isnt working. I am forgetting my words mid-sentence and havint to really concentrate to speak. Even them it feeels solw and belabored. I find myself stuttering or just unable to speak. I’ll start a sentence and then my brain jsut shuts off and I have to wait for it to go again. A lot of spelling words is like that too. Just shuts off and I cant remeber how to spell. The wireis are misssig. Its geting worse.



Hared to feed myself becuse its hared to stand up and prepear food. Today I was hugry and coulnd make a sandwich. so I went to get fuud.  I went to the grocery store, stood there looking at all the choices. Never noticed how much reading and a million little choices go into buying grociers.It was too much. Everything was jumping out me. Like bening attacked by thousnds of wild anmals at once. Overwelming. I got so dizzy I was afraid I wouId pass out cold on the hard floor. had to force myself to.stop and focus. Get 2 things and go. I stoopped at /nectarines. My hand reached out to grabb, one and then stopped mid air. brain freeze. it forgot how to pick it up. panicky. I had to remind< my hand how to to do this. Reach down. open fingers. close fingers. get heck out of hear. bak to bed. Thsis is seriouwls.



I am so scared. It used to be fear of the accident, with flashbacks coming constantly, realizing how lucky I am to be alve.  now it’s fear of brain damage. Have to keep releasing that fear. dont want to get it stuck in my body.  So many ways to release fear. EFT has barely touched it.  It is in my stomack, it’s tighty as a rock. It works well to push on my stomach and let it out with sounds, groans, yells, whatever. And crying. I keep bursting into tears suddenly. That is good release too. Just riding the waves of emotion. Wish I dould dance it out.  but cant satand up and afred to move me head. SO scared! This isnt godo.



Feeling depressiion pulling me into a downward spiral. It’s getting harder to think, which means I am more emotionally reactrive. No flilter betweend feelings and me. No logic talking me out of feelings. cant think so its Harder to find my usual proactive self.



Doc says keep engaged with people. But very simple, first grade conversations only. No drama, no thinking, no fixing anyone, no clients. Diffusing lavendar oil. Takig REscue Rmedy. Drinking lots water, omega 3s, protein.



Went to the ER again tonight. Gota catscam. Ruled out braind hermorrage and stroke. Good news. But each doctor visit justs brings up fmore fear. Dont need fewar right now. Need to stay grounded in love not fewar.

The Incident

You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

                       ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

My Facebook post June 29, 2010 was uncanny. How could I have known the many layers of meaning that would soon take in my life. My post the next day would read like this:






Things Can Change in an Instant
June 30, 2010

On the first day of sailing lessons we learned how to right a capsized boat. Little could we guess how soon we would need that skill. Yesterday on the second day of sailing lesson, we learned the basics of how to sail. There was such little wind it was perfect for a beginner. I had to concentrate, “to turn left, pull rudder right, to turn right, pull rudder left, look at wind direction, angle of sail, which way is tacking? Which way is jibing? So much to think about, none of it intuitive. I felt like I was concentrating on a six dimensional moving puzzle or patting my head and rubbing my belly at the same time and SO grateful for the barely-a-breeze day on Lake Champlain.

We were having a good time. Chris was doing donuts around the buoys like a pro. An hour into it the wind picked up. It was too much for me and my fuddled brain slowly repeating, “to turn left, pull rudder right, to turn right pull the rudder left”, he was doing much better so I asked him to take the tiller. Within seconds the wind started blowing hard, we were going fast and out of control. The wind was going 35mph and this boat was safe in 12mph winds.

Headed straight into the open water towards New York, we knew we were in over our heads. Chris did a great job of handling the rudder and the sails but we knew we were in trouble. Big waves appeared, every one rhythmically hitting me full on in the face and breaking over my head. The boat was nearly capsizing with the force of the wind. We climbed up on the side and used all our body weight for ballast to keep the sailboat upright.

A few times I thought this was it, but was amazed to find we were still upright. I was beginning to panic, realizing there was no way we could turn around. We were almost capsizing as it was and to turn around would have clearly knocked us over, not to mention the sheer force of the boom as it spun around hitting us in the head. It was a tiny 420 boat and there wasn’t any room to move out of a fast moving boom's way. I looked for the line to take the sail down, but couldn’t figure out which one it was or how to get to it without being tossed into the waves. The only thing to do was to hold on and try to keep the boat up. We were going to New York.

We capsized. It happened so fast I don’t remember it. I looked for Chris and was so relieved to see him ok, floating 30 feet from me. We swam towards each other. He hollered “are you ok?” above the wind and I realized I could barely breathe. Adrenaline pumping, life vest straggling me around the neck, I just could barely breathe or talk so I gave him a thumbs up and whispered I needed a moment to catch my breath. It took a few minutes. It seemed like forever.

The boat was upside down, turtled in the middle of nowhere. We bobbed like corks in the big waves and the howling winds, unsure of what to do. We hadn’t covered this in the lesson. After a while the teacher approached in her motorboat. We were the furthest out of all her students. I was so relieved, I thought she’d help us and we’d be ok now.

To my surprise, instead of getting us on her boat and out of there, she hollered out instructions. I realized I had expected a rescue and it wasn't coming. She shouted to point the bow into the wind, right the boat, and get back on it. We could barely make out her words above the water and wind, and then she was off to help the other boats. The prospect didn’t sound exciting to me. At best, we would succeed and be in the same position we were in before, heading fast to New York with no way to turn around. Not knowing what else to do, it seemed prudent to follow the expert's advice.

Swimming and pulling the boat through the waves was really heavy and hard. Eventually, we got the bow into the wind. We climbed up on top of it and managed to flip the boat on its side. It was a bit like wrestling a whale. We tried righting it and almost got it up. The next thing I remember the boat was upside down again. I had a huge gash in my arm, like a shark had taken a bite. I was surprised to see the white of flesh deep inside my arm and have absolutely no pain. That was surreal. I knew I was in shock or just cold, but it was amazing to have no sensation with my arm so slit open. We tried righting the boat again, and again, it turtled.

In between swallowing waves of water, we looked up and noticed that the ferry boat was fast approaching. Storm clouds were also coming. I was grateful it wasn’t raining and realized this could be much worse. I wondered if we’d get hit by the ferry or lightening first. But no time to dwell on that thought.

Again we pulled the whale of a boat into the right direction. Again we got it on its side. This time we got it upright, which scooped me into the boat, the way we were instructed yesterday. I was in the boat for a half second, excited that we had succeeded, and before I knew it the wind took the sail and flipped it over again upside down. The boat had done a complete 360 degree somersault with me in it. It was so fast. It must have flipped the whole boat right with me in it on top of Chris. He doesn’t remember, I don’t remember. We came up again. Again relieved to find each other safe 35 feet away. How did we get thrown so far?

I could taste blood, my face was warm. I spit out my front tooth. Where I used to have a tooth, was now a hole. The remnants of my tooth were sharp. Chris took one look at me and his demeanor got very calm and reassuring. “Come here and hold my hands. You are ok.” This was feeling serious. We found ourselves suddenly alone in the middle of the lake, with no experience, in a life-threatening situation, not knowing what to do.

Looking towards shore I saw four other turtled boats dotting the turbulent water. It was reassuring to know this storm was challenging to more experienced sailors. The ferry boat was coming close enough to add a new element of panic. I felt like an ant under an elephant’s foot. It turned in front of us. I noticed a crowd of people standing on the ferry watching us. We were trying to survive, and not sure what to do next. They must have been entertained I thought. I found out later than the ferry turned to create a breakwater for us and protect us from the waves. I feel loved.

Why do my eyes look so strange?

 The Coast Guard finally showed up. I swam over to their boat so adrenaline pumping fast. I could still feel and taste warm blood pouring down my face. I felt no pain and had no idea where the blood was from. The five Coast Guards on the boat looked frightened when they saw me. They exchanged a look of alarm. “Call the ambulance” I heard them say as they pulled me on board. My arms was dripping blood and they told me to hold it up.

I was cold and shaking. The lake in June is still cold. I was cold and shaking for hours afterward. I was still dripping wet in the ER hours later getting seven stitches in my arm. Self-hypnosis and reiki came in really handy at keeping me calm and relaxed and painfree. My knees are scraped, my legs bruised, I miss my tooth and I am ok. Chris is miraculously fine.

 I am so humbled by this experience. So humbled by the power of nature. I feel the same way I did after surviving the Santa Cruz mudslides in 1983 or the San Francisco Loma Prieta earthquake in 1989. I am left with so many thoughts and questions which will sorted out over time.

I wanted to sail because of the beauty of working in harmony with nature. Because I love the water and I’m a fan of wind power. I had no idea a joy ride on the lake was so dangerous. When I got home I asked my 13 year old son what I should do. I wasn't so sure I wanted to sail anymore. His answer was endearing. “Mom remember when I was learning to ride a bike and I fell off and skinned my knees? You told me to get right back on and not let fear stop me. Biking is really fun now.”


I am happy to be alive today, and am reminded how things can change in an instant. I thought I was turning right and I went left. How often is life like that wind? Calm one moment and when you are least expecting it, you are in the middle of a storm. We can’t stop the storms but we can try to surf them as gracefully as possible. We can remember to be grateful that at least it isn’t raining, things could always be worse, and to love the ones we are with.