Isolated in a Crowd: Month 5

11/15/10

I feel so alone. Even when I am surrounded by so many loving people, and have so much support, I feel alone. No one understatnds. No one can. I marvel at people wlalking down the street without any anpprecieation for that freedom. I marvel at how thaey are engaged and doing things and active and interacting with each other. My friends are out and about doing intereesting things, developing themselves and making their mark on the world. I sit day after day in the quiet stillness of the house. Like a tree with so many cars zooming past, not noticing. I feel so isolated sometimes.


Peopla around me are haaving conversatons and I can't follow them. I nod politely to hide my embarrassment. I have not understood a word they said, hoping I can escape before they figure this out. My mind cant foucus on it or process it fast enough. I am the most lonely when I am with people. Ironic. It is a constant reminder of the gap between us. And worse yet, the gap between who I was and who I am now.

theere is so much loss. Pushing myself to be someplace i am not leads to frustraution with myself. I cant push this processs. It requires endless amounts of patience. It will come back in due time. In the meantime I feel selpf-centered. How do I love that too??? I’ve got to trust that I am haing to learn this for a reason. I need to learn to put me first. Patience, patience, patience. 


I still need to theal. I still need to nurture myself,love myself, fgive myself sweet soft tnederness. I stroke my arms, hug myself, touch my cheek. It feels so new. What is this thing called body? Like a newborn experiencing it for the first time, I can't undrestand that it is mine. It feels so foreign and divne it makes me cry. 


Wnet to the neightbors house for dinner last lnight.  So sweet of them to have me over.  Yet I feel like the patheritc cripple when I get symapathy. I hate sympather.y.  I feel like I have notheing to contribute. I cant shop or cook or help clean.  I try to be interesteing druing the conversation, bit mostly  my head is spinning and it takes so much concentration. I slip in oand out of beign able to pay attetnion and am so relieved when they converse withour me, so I can just BE.  I seem to be able to coneverse about here and now,tangible stuff. As soon as it gets abstrarct, or academilc I cant follwo. I feel Like a little child. it’s so taxing and I just want to go lie down, remove myself, and sleep endlessly.

Birthing a New Me

10/26/10 
Barometer at 1013, I have a headache.. Nauseaus.  Loopey, out of it. Felt so good yesterday. I thought I was realy better and would neever go back to this plqd3 of complete dystfunctionl. Funny how many times I have fallen for thsat. TTHingking I am all better now. and then the relapcse takes me by sutrprise. It’s a 12 beer jequivilant day.

10/28/10 
I slept last night. God, what a treat! I dreamt that I was pregnant. i had been coping so well aone. but the baby was now growing, I couldfeel limbs under my ribcatege. The time for giving brith was near. I was gatherging my woment friends together to get ready to give birth. In charge, competent and amazed at the fact that I had to do this by myself in my weakend condition and not only that I had to but that I COULD.   
Surounded my loving friends, I am giving birth to a new me. Only I can do it. It is time. 

Conversaton with my Highter Self in my dream:
HS: "You know you still have the ability to manifest and create your life the way you want it you have not losst that ability even though it appears that you have lost most of your abilityes. "
Me: "How do I do that whaen I cant focus my thoughts?"
HS: "Thoughts dont create your life, feelings do. "

Me: Yeah but it takes a breain to focus on shifting to  better feelings. How do I do that when my attetniton span is all of 10 seconds and my focus is so diffuse?
HS: You are going to figure that out.
Me: What do I want to create right now? Start with where I am. Its not about relaitonships or career or some lofty future goal. It’a about be where you are. The only thing that is importatn and that I want right now is to heal my brain.
HS: OK, so feel healed. Start with “i am well”. ‘I am grounded” Iam prefectly baleanced.” Dont just thinkg those thoughts. THat just leads to frutstration when you then stand up and topple over. FEEL THEM!!!! and you’ll call them into reality faster.

Help... I Hope

Friday 10/22/10
I went to my first TBI survirs srupport group today. I expected to find peolpe in wheelcharis, drrooling, and ubable to speak. I expected to be onr of the more functional people there see people worse off thatn me. I went up to the group and at first, didtn thatingk that I had the right group. THey looked like a nice, happy bunch of college kids hanging out. I was surprised by al the big smiles. i asked if I had fgound the right group and they said yes. I waid “but you look so normal and functional!”. They smiled and replied “so do you!” Oh m y God. I never realized how normal I look on the outside. THat is the problem. I have an invisible injury. No one can tell how absolutely scrambled I am on the inside. Azaming! I didmt know.

THe support group was SO heloful. They had figured out all the resources, medical docs, OTs, therapists. I feel like i fimaly found some help. THe doctores i've seem have been useless. I fele like I am finallly gettimg somewhere.

They all had much more sever stories than me. CAr and bike accidents that had them have to lives without parts of their skull intact, finaly to be reaplaced with plastic foreheads or titanic plates. They were so happy and smiliey, it gave me hope. It alos made me feel like a pathertic whiner. Here I am in the midst of so much loss and grief and they are yougn. They have lost their youth, hteir entire lives. At least I had 46 years of normalcy. I ddidnt feel so functional and lucky all those years, but wow, what I didint know or apprecite then.

Drunk and Disorderly

10/19/10
I haven finally figured out the way to express how I am doing. I never know how to answer that. If I asay fine, the other peoson assumes I am fine the way they are fine, breathes a sigh of reeif and starts talking  a mile a minute, which I catn follow. If I say “not fine”, I get all this sypmathy that makes me feels unempowered and like a freak. So I now have B.E.: beer equivilants. I used to be on 3 6-packs at eh begining of this adventure, now I am on 3-4 beers. Much better! I say that and people get it. New communicaiton tool. I only wish I liked drinkkng. Never did. NOw I REALLY domt.

10/24?/10/
Once of the things that is so challenging aabout this is that all of the lthings that I used to do that made me happy are things that I can dno longer do. I dcant meditate, read inspirational anything and I cant dance and I cant exerciwee. I couldnt fiugtre out how to get any exercise this summer. Whe you are so diazzy and biking, walking, dancing, yoga, are out. The gym is out for overwelcming movement and dizzyiness.  I went for 2 weeks when I couldnt stop crying this Auguest. Just couldnt stop and couldnt shake myselrf out of it. So much loss and grielf and couldnt pull on the susual things that get me better. 

So i got myself to Luatghtert Yoga. I figured it wasnt really exercise or balbance and ywould get me laughing and that would be good. I drove there so dixzzy and wozzy. It was rainginyg and the streets swere slippery. It was scary getting there but I did it. I dgot to this class, all these people in a cirlce being silly. I just cried. I tried to laguh. I did laugh and then I would cry some more. They wore mvoinbg around the room in circles and it made my so dizzy I just sat on the floor woundering what pepople must have thgought of me. MY so pathertic sittig on the fllor crying while everythingone ksiped aroungd and laughteed. I was gald I went.  But man was I wout of it. We macde faces at teach other and laughted at our rprobems. We were to put our problems in the center of the circle and laugh. It didnt feel funny at the moment. My brina doesnt work and I canta function and I cant do anything, not even laughter Yoga. I cried and cried til I laughed. i wonder what all theseo people thought.

11/8/10

I got a letter from my nac bank. It looked like this. I couldnt understand it. it awas long, too much thinkgint and reading and I had to have Sue read it to me. I still coulndt undestantd it. What to do?

I just want to ge to sleep, and put my head on a pillow without feeling like Im on a roller coaster ride! I just want to be able to walk down the street!

Coping with the World..or not

“Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Plato

10/6/10
Stores are hell. The lights hurt my eayres. THE pepople moving make me dizzy. I buy on impulsse more than I used to, woneder if I am wasting money and migt regreat it but I have no seense of the future like I used to. so if i want it, I buy it. I wonder about that It’s so different from how I used to be so in control all the wtime. THe old me would frown on the new me.  BI g time.  
I cant fiugre out how to use the credit card swiper. Cant realy read or undertsatn what it waynt;s. I know eveyone  in line ins waiting me for. ANd i just stare balankly at it. THe msore I gete stressed the more I cant understand anythimg, until the impatiemt casheir swipes ist for me. THese things used to be easy.

10/8/10

Asking for help from complete strangers. Will I ever get used to it? It feels so humiliating...every time. I missed my son's homeecoming events today. I really wanted to share that with him. I didnt think I could walk acrooss the feild to the school bonfire, nor navigate a group of people around a fire without getting dizzy and risk falling in the flames.  I tried to pick him up at least so I could see waht they were doing. It was really dark. It was raining. I got nersous. Didnt think I could make it. So I stopped the car and called a family I didnt know and asked if anyone could dirive him home.
I’m missing my child’s life. I want to be part of it. Letting go is so hard. I know there arent many more years if any, when I am welcome. He is becoming a teen with a growing need for autonomy. What does he think of his disabled mother? I hope I dont embarass him, stumbling through the lunch room staggering and asking everyone else to drive him everywehre.

10/13/10
It’s hard to sleep agian. I havent slept in 3 days. At night, I am up with a buzzing energy in my head. It feels like eletricity zinging around all over my head. I can feel a pulse sometimes, sometimes it bounces back and forth like a tennis match, usually it zings all over the place like a fast ricocheting electrical charge. What is taht:?  As if that’s not enough, my whole body vibrates. It feels like I’m on a vibrating bed. A very subtle shaking and quaking is always there. I dont notice it much until I try to sleep.All this om top of feeling like I am in a feree fall. I am up all night just trying to ocope wiht the semssations in my body.

10/15/10
Rough day today. never got out of my pajamas. I think I am sensitive to barometric pressure changes. The reading was 991 when I started feeling better, I’m going to start paying attention to that. Big storm came through, high winds and pouring rain. This morning before the rain I started feeling really bad. During the rain was the worst. I thought I was going to die. Listening to the downpour outside refelec the crazy seasick storm inside my head. 
The pressure in my head was mounting. I had a headache, nauseua, total brain shrut down. Could barely move. I just lay in bed with the worst vertigo. Like riding a wild roller coater ride and jsut holding on for dear life. Trying to stay peaceful and just go with it. It was so scary. Like how I felt in the first 6 weeks. I knew I had commitmetns for the day and just couldnt get to a phone let alone dial it or talk. I am having to let go of my responsible nature. I have no response-ability. My lips were parched and I was out of it when Heidi found me at 1:00. I was happy she didnt find me in a pool of vomit. So grateful for my wonderful nurturing friends, skiled  Heidi was amazing. She took my temp, rubbed my feet with oil, brought me water, called the docs and made me broth, and did the dishes. What an angel. 

I have PTSD. I am so jumpy and jittery. Today each time the wind shook the windoews I jusmped, thinking they wound crash. The trees were blowing so much they looked like they would fall on the house. I watched and started to hyperventilate and panic. Stopped watching quick! I try to calm myself with words and they barely make a dent. I have discovered I can do deep breathing lifitng arms overhead and looking up  on the inhale and back down on the exhagle giving myself a big gentle hug. That feels great, calming. I havent been able to do deep breathing before. Its hard to focus on it for more than 2-3 breath. My attention span in my inner world is about 30 seconds. I keep try8ing to finish a thought through. They just zing from one to the next.

Endless Loss: Month Three

10/2/10

Where is that woman I used to know?
I dont recognize  anything. I don’t recognize my life. I dont recognize my Self.
I used to have a brain that worked. A beautiful healthy brain.
I used to be ready to take on the world.
I used to be standing on the edge of a cliff, finally ready to share something glorious with the world.
I have died and I am grieving my own death.

I used to be able to walk and  to talk without a stutter. To stand up without fear of falling. to take a shower without fear of slipping. and to fall without fear of paralysis. I used to be able to take care of myself. Do my own shopping. cook my own meals. Drive myself wherever I wanted to go.

I used to be able to be in crowded places and stores and streets and restaurants without feeling falling-over drunk and unable to talk. I used to be able to walk without the floor dropping from under me and my legs freezing up. I used to lie down in bed and sleep without feeling like I’m on a crazy roller coaster ride, doing back flips in a spinning space. I used to be able to read emails and books without staring at the same sentence for 20 minutes wondering what it means. I used to be able to type without spell check correcting every other word. I used to be able to focus my mind and  to get things done. I used to be able to remember to eat meals without having to write notes all over the house that say “eat breakfast”. I used to be able to turn on my dishwasher without that requiring more focus than reading War and Peace.

I used to ride my bike, feeling free with the wind in my face, smelling the feilds and open air as I passed. I used to kayak the beautiful waters. I used to LOVE my kayak. I used to feel strong and free and independent when I put it on my car by myself and drove off to remote wilderness to kayak with loons. I used to walk around my block without even thinking about leaning on anything or anyone. I used to love to cook. I used to spin around the kitchen whipping ingredients into gastronomic orgasmic bliss. I used to have fun. I used to love to DANCE. I used to dance like a laughing, free and wild woman. Without being dizzy. without falling down. I used to do yoga. Balance. I could be a tree,  a warrior, and a dancer.

I used to hold babies and little children and trust that I was strong enough not to drop them and not worry about falling on top of them when they run around my feet. 
I used to be able to take care of my ownchildren. I used to feed them and drive them and kiss them goodnight. They used to fall asleep before me.

I used to have a career and professional colleagues. I used to help people make their lives better. It used to feel good. I used to feel smart. I used to make money. I used to have a schedule. A full schedule. I used to have Things to Do. I used to have great ideas, and share them with others, and co-create pieces of heaven on earth.

I used to have a lover who loved me, adored me, and made me laugh all the time. I used to feel secure in his "eternal" undying love and devotion. I used to think as long as we were together, nothing else mattered, everything would be ok. I used to feel so safe and at home in his arms. I used to know I wouldn't be alone when I ’m old and in need. I used to feel like the luckiest woman alive. I used to want to take that luck and give it to whoever needed it. I used to glow and know my future was bright.

I used to have all of this and more. 

Good bye to all of it. Good bye. Releasing attachments in deeper ways than I ever thought possible. No attachments to anything. There is nothing now. Nothingness. Just me. and my friends who take care of me. Here in my bubble. in my little cocoon. Where only goodness can enter.

I used to think I’d be better tomorrow. That I could pray and visualize and heal instantly. I used to know I’d be ok. I used to know that I’d get my old self back and that maybe she’d be even better than before. I used to believe that I could return to normal ....which means return to the past. I don't know that anymore. We never return to the past. I do not know what my future holds. We never do. Only I’ve lost the comforting illusion that it looks familiar, that it looks like the past. I do not know if I will function again. I used to keep focusing on gratitude, and on healing and on patience. Screw it. The fact is with three months of effort,  I am not much better. The fact is, there is so much loss. So many tears. I am crying a river over and over. There is release, surrender, and loss. Free falling off a cliff, trusting that my loved ones have a net ......or that I have wings.

Zen Reflections Week Three

7/22/10

My heart is overflowing with gratitude and awe of the abundance of love and generosity that my friends have shown me these last three weeks since the sailing accident. They set up a site on Lotsa Helping Hands and I have so much help now. My door stays open and several people a day stop by with food and love. I believe in the healing power of love and prayer and it is no doubt thanks to such support that I am so much better. I am healing way ahead of what was predicted. My speaking ability is back, as is my ability to focus my eyes and read for short times. I am up now after 3 very quiet weeks lying in a dark room in more stillness than I have ever known. I am still very dizzy and my legs feel like jello. Walking is still very awkward, slow, and limited, but I am happy to say everything is getting better every day. Right now I am grateful for spell check which is making me look downright normal.

I now know I must have gotten knocked upside the head pretty good. Good enough to knock out my tooth and to knock out my memory of getting hit. I suspect the boom hit me as I somersaulted into and out of a boat doing a complete 360, from turtled to turtled, in seconds. I guess it’s generally not a good idea to alligator wrestle chunks of fiberglass and metal many times your size. The Coast Guard rescued so many people that night they dropped them on the jetties.


I’m the only one who got hurt. What is the lesson here? Was this because I was the only one with such an emotional agenda about learning to sail? I was married to a sailor for 15 years who refused to teach me anything about sailing. He said it was too complicated and it used to make me feel powerless and mad. I signed up to learn to sail this summer so I could undo that limiting belief  and “take the tiller of my own life”. It was more than symbolic that I wanted to learn to skipper. And my first lesson ended up almost killing me??? Perhaps this storm created above my head was a surreal gift just for me, or perhaps it was nothing personal. Remember how you make God laugh? Tell him your plans! “Take the tiller, my ass,” laughs the Universe.

I’ve learned to embrace the experience. Just to say yes to all of lives out of control crazy moments. The irony is that I have never felt more surrendered to having no control of anything. Natural childbirth was a similarly deep lesson in humility before God and in surrendering all control. There is profound peace in the surrender. I feel lucky to be alive.

There has been a deep beauty in completely unplugging from the world. There has been a stillness that I have never known. I was told to not engage my mind and to keep conversations to a first grade level. The less I used my mind, the faster I got better. At first I thought no problem. I’ve been meditating for 30 years this should be easy. What a surprise to discover that meditation was too stressful! My mantra would hurt my head. All that concentration would make my brain shut down and freeze the same way everything else did.  Even meditation is doing!! Who knew!!! This meant NO doing, no thinking, just being. Just sit an watch the grass grow. and giggle. No where to go. No where to get to. Just the eternal NOW. A forced spiritual RETREAT. Think about that word. There is a TREAT in RETREAT. Retreating deeply within. Into the dark and into the light that lie at the center of our being. You know it’s really ok in there. It’s a good place to make friends with.

I find I am so much closer to the animal kingdom than ever. Feeling on par with the four leggeds. No thinking, no agenda, no to do list to get to, just being. It’s sweet and I have this magnetic pull towards critters of all kinds that I have never had before in my busy world. Somehow they seem to be pulled towards me too. I now have a fox with two kits who hang out on my deck at night. I woodchuck living under my porch, and the cutest little handful of a baby bunny living twelve feet from my front door. We’ve named her Lily and she comes out and joins us for dinner every night. We eat dinner, she eats the grass next to us.

I keep looking at how well my stitches and bruises have healed, proof of the amazing healing power of the human body. It affirms for me that with all the visualizing I’ve done this last few weeks, I have grown miles of new neural connections, and my new brain will be even better than before. I’ve been picturing beautiful rainbow colored, light filled connections in my brain firing constantly as they break into musical notes, creating a  gorgeous symphony of music. No doubt we should all be doing this!

I’ve chosen to believe my brain is being rewired for the new times we live in. Old synapses need to go. The new ones are full of light. No doubt a brand new me will emerge. Right now that me feels the oneness of all. I feel layers of ego and identity fall away and a true sense that we are all one. Indeed if love heals, I now carry each of you within me forever more.

Before the accident, I had been reading Bill McKibben’s “Deep Economy” about building a new economy based on the wealth of community. He quotes a study from Europe that says their citizen’s number one value is taking care of each other; money is at the bottom of the list. Vermont can be proud to say the same thing. That is true wealth and security. I have now been humbled and blessed to know this wealth first hand. What a gift it is to know that we are so loved and that people show up in amazing and generous ways in times of crisis. 

I am blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people. This gift goes far beyond the actual acts friends are providing. This has stretched my capacity to receive and know my own worthiness. This has stretched my vision for the Wealth of Community. I have been shown a new model of generosity and connectedness. I am blessed beyond beleif. Investing in relationships is the best investment ever.