11/15/10
I feel so alone. Even when I am surrounded by so many loving people, and have so much support, I feel alone. No one understatnds. No one can. I marvel at people wlalking down the street without any anpprecieation for that freedom. I marvel at how thaey are engaged and doing things and active and interacting with each other. My friends are out and about doing intereesting things, developing themselves and making their mark on the world. I sit day after day in the quiet stillness of the house. Like a tree with so many cars zooming past, not noticing. I feel so isolated sometimes.
Peopla around me are haaving conversatons and I can't follow them. I nod politely to hide my embarrassment. I have not understood a word they said, hoping I can escape before they figure this out. My mind cant foucus on it or process it fast enough. I am the most lonely when I am with people. Ironic. It is a constant reminder of the gap between us. And worse yet, the gap between who I was and who I am now.
Peopla around me are haaving conversatons and I can't follow them. I nod politely to hide my embarrassment. I have not understood a word they said, hoping I can escape before they figure this out. My mind cant foucus on it or process it fast enough. I am the most lonely when I am with people. Ironic. It is a constant reminder of the gap between us. And worse yet, the gap between who I was and who I am now.
theere is so much loss. Pushing myself to be someplace i am not leads to frustraution with myself. I cant push this processs. It requires endless amounts of patience. It will come back in due time. In the meantime I feel selpf-centered. How do I love that too??? I’ve got to trust that I am haing to learn this for a reason. I need to learn to put me first. Patience, patience, patience.
I still need to theal. I still need to nurture myself,love myself, fgive myself sweet soft tnederness. I stroke my arms, hug myself, touch my cheek. It feels so new. What is this thing called body? Like a newborn experiencing it for the first time, I can't undrestand that it is mine. It feels so foreign and divne it makes me cry.
Wnet to the neightbors house for dinner last lnight. So sweet of them to have me over. Yet I feel like the patheritc cripple when I get symapathy. I hate sympather.y. I feel like I have notheing to contribute. I cant shop or cook or help clean. I try to be interesteing druing the conversation, bit mostly my head is spinning and it takes so much concentration. I slip in oand out of beign able to pay attetnion and am so relieved when they converse withour me, so I can just BE. I seem to be able to coneverse about here and now,tangible stuff. As soon as it gets abstrarct, or academilc I cant follwo. I feel Like a little child. it’s so taxing and I just want to go lie down, remove myself, and sleep endlessly.
I still need to theal. I still need to nurture myself,love myself, fgive myself sweet soft tnederness. I stroke my arms, hug myself, touch my cheek. It feels so new. What is this thing called body? Like a newborn experiencing it for the first time, I can't undrestand that it is mine. It feels so foreign and divne it makes me cry.
Wnet to the neightbors house for dinner last lnight. So sweet of them to have me over. Yet I feel like the patheritc cripple when I get symapathy. I hate sympather.y. I feel like I have notheing to contribute. I cant shop or cook or help clean. I try to be interesteing druing the conversation, bit mostly my head is spinning and it takes so much concentration. I slip in oand out of beign able to pay attetnion and am so relieved when they converse withour me, so I can just BE. I seem to be able to coneverse about here and now,tangible stuff. As soon as it gets abstrarct, or academilc I cant follwo. I feel Like a little child. it’s so taxing and I just want to go lie down, remove myself, and sleep endlessly.
I am fascinated by your story, your courage and your insights. I would love to connect with you in regards to writing an article for our Pathways to Family Wellness magazine and to have you as a speaker at an upcoming convention. Please call or e-mail me: 6108911190. info@icpa4kids.com - Jeanne Ohm, DC
ReplyDeleteNathalie, thank you for your courage and honesty in getting your story out in the world. You will do a lot to dispel the notion that a "mild" brain injury can be anything but mild in the havoc it can wreak on a person and her life.
ReplyDeleteHidden injuries, have side effects that are not easy to understand. This eye opening line “Strangely, I am the most lonely when I am with people” reminded me of when I felt loneliest times in a crowd of people.
ReplyDeleteLast year I was invited to a family reunion - a Swedish family reunion. The house was packed with people that had come from all over U.S. to be with family members who had traveled to San Francisco from all over Europe. The energy was phenomenal and the love flowing through the air, was contagious.
There were a million simultaneous conversations. One person would start a sentence, then another person would finish it, making everyone laugh. One guy that must have been the family historian, or at least the family joker, would get up on a chair, pick a person in the crowd and tell a story. More laughter. Hundreds of simultaneous conversations all in Swedish.
I only knew one person there. She stood by me for a while and tried to explain who is who and what was going on. I felt like a burden on her. I told her that I’d like to go meet people on my own and she should go visit her friends. She seemed relieved. But who was I going to engage? I could not follow the many years of history that made this party so lovingly.
For duration of the party which lasted several hours, I had a few chit-chats but was mostly lonely in my head. At one point I snuck upstairs, found an English book and start reading it. After the party my ears needed quiet while my heart needed to be with people who could understand me. But most of all I was happy that the part was over.
You are such a brave soul. It amazes me what you have already accomplished and I have no doubt you'll bring joy and understanding to many who need a voice, when they don't feel like talking.