First Weeks

7/11/10

How do I bless this experience? how do I Say yes and thank you for this experiendce too.? Embrace it all. All of life’s crazy ups and downs, joys and challenges. Itsa ll holy. its all sacred. Like the qyote on my fridge by Ramana Maharshi  “You thank god for the good things that come to you, but you dont thank him for the thinkgs that seem to be bad; that is where you go wrong.”  Yes, I’ve been hataing this experience and thnkign it is a mistake. my sumner wasnt supprosed to be liker this. yet God doesnt make mistages.

Somethinkg good will come of this> I know it will. Just surrecnder and trust. Surrendaer and trust. Amma’s astologer told me two years ago that this July wuld be oone tof  the best months of my life. how ironice. At first I thought this negateed his prediction. Theat he was wrong tna this month swa way messed up and awful. maybe this is the gift. maybe this will be the best thing that ever happened to me. How do I know? i am deiciding that this will be the besrt month. it  jsut doesnt look liek I exprcted.c  

my damaged braiin forgot. You cant feel love unless you are loving yourself. Not from God, not from no one. I cant feel anythimg. No love im my heart. It is werid. SEmding self love and compassion first to open the heart. When life dissapoints us, must love self evne lmore. givng mea big hug. ah...

Getting a wlaker so I can make it to the batheroom without beingi afraind of falling. If I fall and hit my head it will be serius. It will be ncie to fiill stable. Me?> a wakjjer?? siinomtime I fill so patheritic. Decided to half soee=m humor and call myselr the village idiot.  

I feel so patheritc when I stutter and my brain shuts off mid conversation and I cnat speak. Just like a froazen computer screen. Blank. SErarching desaperately for the software to reboot. Like the informtaion I need is in another bosx. I know it it is there but there is no quick wy to access that box because I am in antohe box and they arent easily coonnected like they used to be.

7/12/10
I chose to believe my brain is being rewired. new and improved. askig the part that works to fix the part taht doesnt work. vistualiziing a whole repari team in mechanics suits in there. dear God, please make it evenbetter tahn before. thank you! 
7/14/10
Really bad day tyesterday. Spent to whole day in my dark bedroon with shades drawn. It stillb felt so bright, my eyes were wkillling me and I hav to comver them with my hands all day long. The muscles behind eyeballs feel so strainged. Maybe I overdid it the night before. I tried to read email and spent 30 mins on computer. Too much.

It is so beautiufl ourt. I wanted to be outside. Summer is so short and I am kmissing all of it in my darkened house. I tried to go on my porch and sit. Just sti. I sat down and the whole strated spining so much , I felt like I was going to fall out of the chair onto the deck in the hot sun and not mbe able to get up. I had a completel panci attack. Never felt that before. Just didnt noow how to get back in the house to safelty. Adrenaline kicked in, and I got in the door and just sobbed. Doesnt feel safe to be alosne. or to b=have desitrres. that is the first time I tried to execute a desire. Totoal surrender and non-attachmet to all. there is a beauty in that.

7/15/10
Today someone said “get better quickly” and it felt jweird. Iiit is no longer about gttin anywehre for me. its just about being present with where i am . not getting abnywhere. not striving towards a goal. just being. Acceptimg where I am is perfect. That is the gfitg in alll of this. Day after day, just be. I sit in my chari and 2-3 hours go by and I havent moved a muscle or had many thoughts. Just stillmess and peace and oneseness. The sum goes up amd hte sun goes dowm.

I am amzined at how well my arem has healed. 2 weeks ago a big gash, today just a screatch mark. and my bruises are alsmost gone. the body is amazinge!!! If that has happened wehere I  can see, i know it is happening where I cant see... in my head.  Visisaualizng conections being made in my brain filled with light, directed by God. miles and miles of them already formed. No longer trying to have the workign part of my brain fix the mon- working part, God, you please do it. and make me a new andmimproved model with a higher frequentcy.

Insdie my head I feel fine. I wake up every morning and say, hey I’m doing better. Then I try to engage with the world and notheing works. Cant walk, wacant speak well, cant type, cant process someone talking to me, turn my head and the room is spinneing. Wow, some people pay good money for this kind of trip. Think I;ll judst try to enjoy it.

Vision during REiidki: a sailboat boom hit me on the left side on my head, swung it all around to the right and when it got back to the front the whole world had changed.