Endless Loss: Month Three

10/2/10

Where is that woman I used to know?
I dont recognize  anything. I don’t recognize my life. I dont recognize my Self.
I used to have a brain that worked. A beautiful healthy brain.
I used to be ready to take on the world.
I used to be standing on the edge of a cliff, finally ready to share something glorious with the world.
I have died and I am grieving my own death.

I used to be able to walk and  to talk without a stutter. To stand up without fear of falling. to take a shower without fear of slipping. and to fall without fear of paralysis. I used to be able to take care of myself. Do my own shopping. cook my own meals. Drive myself wherever I wanted to go.

I used to be able to be in crowded places and stores and streets and restaurants without feeling falling-over drunk and unable to talk. I used to be able to walk without the floor dropping from under me and my legs freezing up. I used to lie down in bed and sleep without feeling like I’m on a crazy roller coaster ride, doing back flips in a spinning space. I used to be able to read emails and books without staring at the same sentence for 20 minutes wondering what it means. I used to be able to type without spell check correcting every other word. I used to be able to focus my mind and  to get things done. I used to be able to remember to eat meals without having to write notes all over the house that say “eat breakfast”. I used to be able to turn on my dishwasher without that requiring more focus than reading War and Peace.

I used to ride my bike, feeling free with the wind in my face, smelling the feilds and open air as I passed. I used to kayak the beautiful waters. I used to LOVE my kayak. I used to feel strong and free and independent when I put it on my car by myself and drove off to remote wilderness to kayak with loons. I used to walk around my block without even thinking about leaning on anything or anyone. I used to love to cook. I used to spin around the kitchen whipping ingredients into gastronomic orgasmic bliss. I used to have fun. I used to love to DANCE. I used to dance like a laughing, free and wild woman. Without being dizzy. without falling down. I used to do yoga. Balance. I could be a tree,  a warrior, and a dancer.

I used to hold babies and little children and trust that I was strong enough not to drop them and not worry about falling on top of them when they run around my feet. 
I used to be able to take care of my ownchildren. I used to feed them and drive them and kiss them goodnight. They used to fall asleep before me.

I used to have a career and professional colleagues. I used to help people make their lives better. It used to feel good. I used to feel smart. I used to make money. I used to have a schedule. A full schedule. I used to have Things to Do. I used to have great ideas, and share them with others, and co-create pieces of heaven on earth.

I used to have a lover who loved me, adored me, and made me laugh all the time. I used to feel secure in his "eternal" undying love and devotion. I used to think as long as we were together, nothing else mattered, everything would be ok. I used to feel so safe and at home in his arms. I used to know I wouldn't be alone when I ’m old and in need. I used to feel like the luckiest woman alive. I used to want to take that luck and give it to whoever needed it. I used to glow and know my future was bright.

I used to have all of this and more. 

Good bye to all of it. Good bye. Releasing attachments in deeper ways than I ever thought possible. No attachments to anything. There is nothing now. Nothingness. Just me. and my friends who take care of me. Here in my bubble. in my little cocoon. Where only goodness can enter.

I used to think I’d be better tomorrow. That I could pray and visualize and heal instantly. I used to know I’d be ok. I used to know that I’d get my old self back and that maybe she’d be even better than before. I used to believe that I could return to normal ....which means return to the past. I don't know that anymore. We never return to the past. I do not know what my future holds. We never do. Only I’ve lost the comforting illusion that it looks familiar, that it looks like the past. I do not know if I will function again. I used to keep focusing on gratitude, and on healing and on patience. Screw it. The fact is with three months of effort,  I am not much better. The fact is, there is so much loss. So many tears. I am crying a river over and over. There is release, surrender, and loss. Free falling off a cliff, trusting that my loved ones have a net ......or that I have wings.