“Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Plato
10/6/10
Stores are hell. The lights hurt my eayres. THE pepople moving make me dizzy. I buy on impulsse more than I used to, woneder if I am wasting money and migt regreat it but I have no seense of the future like I used to. so if i want it, I buy it. I wonder about that It’s so different from how I used to be so in control all the wtime. THe old me would frown on the new me. BI g time.
I cant fiugre out how to use the credit card swiper. Cant realy read or undertsatn what it waynt;s. I know eveyone in line ins waiting me for. ANd i just stare balankly at it. THe msore I gete stressed the more I cant understand anythimg, until the impatiemt casheir swipes ist for me. THese things used to be easy.
10/6/10
Stores are hell. The lights hurt my eayres. THE pepople moving make me dizzy. I buy on impulsse more than I used to, woneder if I am wasting money and migt regreat it but I have no seense of the future like I used to. so if i want it, I buy it. I wonder about that It’s so different from how I used to be so in control all the wtime. THe old me would frown on the new me. BI g time.
I cant fiugre out how to use the credit card swiper. Cant realy read or undertsatn what it waynt;s. I know eveyone in line ins waiting me for. ANd i just stare balankly at it. THe msore I gete stressed the more I cant understand anythimg, until the impatiemt casheir swipes ist for me. THese things used to be easy.
10/8/10
Asking for help from complete strangers. Will I ever get used to it? It feels so humiliating...every time. I missed my son's homeecoming events today. I really wanted to share that with him. I didnt think I could walk acrooss the feild to the school bonfire, nor navigate a group of people around a fire without getting dizzy and risk falling in the flames. I tried to pick him up at least so I could see waht they were doing. It was really dark. It was raining. I got nersous. Didnt think I could make it. So I stopped the car and called a family I didnt know and asked if anyone could dirive him home.
I’m missing my child’s life. I want to be part of it. Letting go is so hard. I know there arent many more years if any, when I am welcome. He is becoming a teen with a growing need for autonomy. What does he think of his disabled mother? I hope I dont embarass him, stumbling through the lunch room staggering and asking everyone else to drive him everywehre.
Asking for help from complete strangers. Will I ever get used to it? It feels so humiliating...every time. I missed my son's homeecoming events today. I really wanted to share that with him. I didnt think I could walk acrooss the feild to the school bonfire, nor navigate a group of people around a fire without getting dizzy and risk falling in the flames. I tried to pick him up at least so I could see waht they were doing. It was really dark. It was raining. I got nersous. Didnt think I could make it. So I stopped the car and called a family I didnt know and asked if anyone could dirive him home.
I’m missing my child’s life. I want to be part of it. Letting go is so hard. I know there arent many more years if any, when I am welcome. He is becoming a teen with a growing need for autonomy. What does he think of his disabled mother? I hope I dont embarass him, stumbling through the lunch room staggering and asking everyone else to drive him everywehre.
10/13/10
It’s hard to sleep agian. I havent slept in 3 days. At night, I am up with a buzzing energy in my head. It feels like eletricity zinging around all over my head. I can feel a pulse sometimes, sometimes it bounces back and forth like a tennis match, usually it zings all over the place like a fast ricocheting electrical charge. What is taht:? As if that’s not enough, my whole body vibrates. It feels like I’m on a vibrating bed. A very subtle shaking and quaking is always there. I dont notice it much until I try to sleep.All this om top of feeling like I am in a feree fall. I am up all night just trying to ocope wiht the semssations in my body.
It’s hard to sleep agian. I havent slept in 3 days. At night, I am up with a buzzing energy in my head. It feels like eletricity zinging around all over my head. I can feel a pulse sometimes, sometimes it bounces back and forth like a tennis match, usually it zings all over the place like a fast ricocheting electrical charge. What is taht:? As if that’s not enough, my whole body vibrates. It feels like I’m on a vibrating bed. A very subtle shaking and quaking is always there. I dont notice it much until I try to sleep.All this om top of feeling like I am in a feree fall. I am up all night just trying to ocope wiht the semssations in my body.
10/15/10
Rough day today. never got out of my pajamas. I think I am sensitive to barometric pressure changes. The reading was 991 when I started feeling better, I’m going to start paying attention to that. Big storm came through, high winds and pouring rain. This morning before the rain I started feeling really bad. During the rain was the worst. I thought I was going to die. Listening to the downpour outside refelec the crazy seasick storm inside my head.
The pressure in my head was mounting. I had a headache, nauseua, total brain shrut down. Could barely move. I just lay in bed with the worst vertigo. Like riding a wild roller coater ride and jsut holding on for dear life. Trying to stay peaceful and just go with it. It was so scary. Like how I felt in the first 6 weeks. I knew I had commitmetns for the day and just couldnt get to a phone let alone dial it or talk. I am having to let go of my responsible nature. I have no response-ability. My lips were parched and I was out of it when Heidi found me at 1:00. I was happy she didnt find me in a pool of vomit. So grateful for my wonderful nurturing friends, skiled Heidi was amazing. She took my temp, rubbed my feet with oil, brought me water, called the docs and made me broth, and did the dishes. What an angel.
I have PTSD. I am so jumpy and jittery. Today each time the wind shook the windoews I jusmped, thinking they wound crash. The trees were blowing so much they looked like they would fall on the house. I watched and started to hyperventilate and panic. Stopped watching quick! I try to calm myself with words and they barely make a dent. I have discovered I can do deep breathing lifitng arms overhead and looking up on the inhale and back down on the exhagle giving myself a big gentle hug. That feels great, calming. I havent been able to do deep breathing before. Its hard to focus on it for more than 2-3 breath. My attention span in my inner world is about 30 seconds. I keep try8ing to finish a thought through. They just zing from one to the next.
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