7/9/10
Doc says I have a mild tarumatic brain injury.. Mosre tahn a conscusion. I just love getting a new label dont you? okie dokie, a nice new box to put myself in so eeryone can understnad my crazy behavior and know how long they are going to hae to put up with me for. Helpful perhaps, but onely to the extent that we stay conncected to the human being not just the lable. So this might last a few weeks or afew months or a few years. YWEARS??? I’m going for the first scenario. Sending this brains lotsa live love.
I dimt kthing I hit my head, but DAd finally poimted out "How idd you losre yoour tooth is you dimt hit your head?" good poimt. Man my typing is bad. It’s part of doctor’s orders to not tax my brain,, I usuannly am a good typist. I cannot read as it hurts my eyes and strains my breain. So no computeres, no email, no news, no conection to the outside world. A total fast.
Interesting assignmetnt to just be. no doing. no thinking. Keep my mind as empty as possible. First I thought 30 years of TM and meditation will rcome in handy. I’ll just meditate all daye and be enlightened by the end of this challenge. Well, it turns out tht takes too much concentration. My mantra hurts my ehad. It is too stressful to meditate. Wow. WHo would n=have gueseed. even mdiatiaon is doing.
I now have an instant barometer of any minute amount of stress in my brain. I styaarts to stutter and eeverything shuts down as a result of stress. liek a frozedn computer. Like the time in the gorcery storer where I couldnt pick up a fruit. So no meditation for. me. Just be. I’ll just BE and giggle, like that crazy elf Eckart Tolle. Like a Power of Now excercise for the next few months. Watch the greass grow. theCalmer and simpler I can keep my mind the more I get better.
7/10/10
I have an odd feeling of not being connected with my body. Likfe my head is floating in a cloud above me. It makes it hard to move this body. I feel so dizzy. This reminds me of a particular weekend when I was 16 and drank tto many beers. I dont trust mty control over my legs and that makes it hard to walk. I walk slow and wobbly like an old lady. Today it flet like the ground gave out 3 feet below my, the floor turned into an undulating wave on my way to bathroon. I tried walking half a block outside. The little hill I live on became 2-D and it’s hard to tell where to put your feet in a 2-D picture. It felt like a weierd drug trip.
As difficult as it is to not fele connected with my body, it is more difficult that I dont feel connected to my heart or to God. Where did it go? Why is that always the first thing to go in a time of crisis? When we need it most? How do we develop that so strongly that it is the first thing we turn to and can draw from? How do I get it back?
I was supposed to go on retreat with Amma next week. Adrian was coming and it means so much to me. Doc says I can't go. I cant even hold a simple converastion or make a sandwich. I cant stand without holding on. How would I Manage the overwelming sensory load? Evn styand in line for meals? There is so much loss.
Doc says I have a mild tarumatic brain injury.. Mosre tahn a conscusion. I just love getting a new label dont you? okie dokie, a nice new box to put myself in so eeryone can understnad my crazy behavior and know how long they are going to hae to put up with me for. Helpful perhaps, but onely to the extent that we stay conncected to the human being not just the lable. So this might last a few weeks or afew months or a few years. YWEARS??? I’m going for the first scenario. Sending this brains lotsa live love.
I dimt kthing I hit my head, but DAd finally poimted out "How idd you losre yoour tooth is you dimt hit your head?" good poimt. Man my typing is bad. It’s part of doctor’s orders to not tax my brain,, I usuannly am a good typist. I cannot read as it hurts my eyes and strains my breain. So no computeres, no email, no news, no conection to the outside world. A total fast.
Interesting assignmetnt to just be. no doing. no thinking. Keep my mind as empty as possible. First I thought 30 years of TM and meditation will rcome in handy. I’ll just meditate all daye and be enlightened by the end of this challenge. Well, it turns out tht takes too much concentration. My mantra hurts my ehad. It is too stressful to meditate. Wow. WHo would n=have gueseed. even mdiatiaon is doing.
7/10/10
I have an odd feeling of not being connected with my body. Likfe my head is floating in a cloud above me. It makes it hard to move this body. I feel so dizzy. This reminds me of a particular weekend when I was 16 and drank tto many beers. I dont trust mty control over my legs and that makes it hard to walk. I walk slow and wobbly like an old lady. Today it flet like the ground gave out 3 feet below my, the floor turned into an undulating wave on my way to bathroon. I tried walking half a block outside. The little hill I live on became 2-D and it’s hard to tell where to put your feet in a 2-D picture. It felt like a weierd drug trip.
As difficult as it is to not fele connected with my body, it is more difficult that I dont feel connected to my heart or to God. Where did it go? Why is that always the first thing to go in a time of crisis? When we need it most? How do we develop that so strongly that it is the first thing we turn to and can draw from? How do I get it back?
Yes, does it feel like even a total loss? A loss of everything and everyone- no, you remember Amma & Adrian. But doesn't it feel like you've lost yourself, all you knew, all you use to do? Just surviving sounds like it is becoming a challenge.
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