Drunk and Disorderly

10/19/10
I haven finally figured out the way to express how I am doing. I never know how to answer that. If I asay fine, the other peoson assumes I am fine the way they are fine, breathes a sigh of reeif and starts talking  a mile a minute, which I catn follow. If I say “not fine”, I get all this sypmathy that makes me feels unempowered and like a freak. So I now have B.E.: beer equivilants. I used to be on 3 6-packs at eh begining of this adventure, now I am on 3-4 beers. Much better! I say that and people get it. New communicaiton tool. I only wish I liked drinkkng. Never did. NOw I REALLY domt.

10/24?/10/
Once of the things that is so challenging aabout this is that all of the lthings that I used to do that made me happy are things that I can dno longer do. I dcant meditate, read inspirational anything and I cant dance and I cant exerciwee. I couldnt fiugtre out how to get any exercise this summer. Whe you are so diazzy and biking, walking, dancing, yoga, are out. The gym is out for overwelcming movement and dizzyiness.  I went for 2 weeks when I couldnt stop crying this Auguest. Just couldnt stop and couldnt shake myselrf out of it. So much loss and grielf and couldnt pull on the susual things that get me better. 

So i got myself to Luatghtert Yoga. I figured it wasnt really exercise or balbance and ywould get me laughing and that would be good. I drove there so dixzzy and wozzy. It was rainginyg and the streets swere slippery. It was scary getting there but I did it. I dgot to this class, all these people in a cirlce being silly. I just cried. I tried to laguh. I did laugh and then I would cry some more. They wore mvoinbg around the room in circles and it made my so dizzy I just sat on the floor woundering what pepople must have thgought of me. MY so pathertic sittig on the fllor crying while everythingone ksiped aroungd and laughteed. I was gald I went.  But man was I wout of it. We macde faces at teach other and laughted at our rprobems. We were to put our problems in the center of the circle and laugh. It didnt feel funny at the moment. My brina doesnt work and I canta function and I cant do anything, not even laughter Yoga. I cried and cried til I laughed. i wonder what all theseo people thought.

11/8/10

I got a letter from my nac bank. It looked like this. I couldnt understand it. it awas long, too much thinkgint and reading and I had to have Sue read it to me. I still coulndt undestantd it. What to do?

I just want to ge to sleep, and put my head on a pillow without feeling like Im on a roller coaster ride! I just want to be able to walk down the street!